Lord of the Really Shiny Rings
by Vampiric Squirrel
Summary: A twist on the original story except for all the twists and turns going right and left and forward and backward and straight and curvy and up and down...
1. Sauron

Disclaimer: I am not John Ronald Ruel Tolkien because if i was i would not be waisting my time writing fanfics but wasting time writing very long novels that no one understands and no one wants to understand. Also if I was Mr. Tolkien I would be rotting in some graveyard that no one cares about. In other terms of speaking, I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters of scenes from the book already named.

**Lord of the Really Shiny Rings**

Chapter One: Sauron

In a tall dark tower, death floated in on black wings on a river of sorrow. But something stirred. It was an eye. But not only an eye. But Sauron, the eye. He was planning to get his precious ring back from those simple minded people in the Shire and rule once again. But he himself would no complete the task. No, his minions of great darkness and shadow would pillage every house in the Shire until his little shiny circle was found...

**"Yes," Sauron said to himself, "No one can ruin my evil plot. My terrible scheme. Hehehehe. Then when I get my precious back, everyone, evil or good, will bow down to me and I will rule. I will rule. But more importantly I will have long, handsome legs. Yes, legs. MUAHAHAHAHA!"**

"Sauron sire," began his evil puppet Sarumon, "Your twitching again. And you seem a bit blood shot. Good timing because it is time for your medicine."

**"Stupid medicine, stupid Sarumon," Sauron muttered.**

Then an orc wearing a nurses gown and carrying a needle walked up towards Sauron.

"Ok you great big Eye," the orc said sweetly, "Just look away and this won't hurt."

**"How can I look away if I'm only an eye you bloody bastard!" Sauron replied.**

"Some one needs to take a nap," the orc said. Finally the needle plunged into Sauron's cornea and a cry was heard from far out...

"You heard Sauron out great evil master, one would will rule the world, one who could have us eating out of the palm of his hand, one-"

"Get on with it!" said rider number 9.

"Oh yes," rider number 8 replied, "He told us to find this bobbit-"

"Hobbit!"

"-and have him tortured till we get the ring."

"He said absolutely nothing about torture, all he said was kill 'em."

"Yes, but torture is much more fun and exhilirating and exciting and hilarious and-"

"Ahem."

"Anyway I think we should torture the fool."

"Well first," rider 9 said, "First we need to find him."

"Deal."

The two riders trotted at a slow pace through the barren waste land. They had been riding for weeks and had not met a soul execpt for some lizards, a bunny, a snake, a few birds here and there, some quails...

"Look there," cried rider 8, "A sign. Read what it says nine, I can't read."

"It says, 'Welcome to Mexico'"

"Where in bloody hell is Mexico?"

"I know," replied 9 trying to sound smart even though he had no idea what he was talking about, "The Hobbits are trying to thow us off.Its not _really _Mexico."

"Oh," 8 said stupidly believing every lying word 9 spilled forth.

As they entered the large place described as Mexico they were amazed by all the cars and electronic thingies and the weird clothing worn by people and the houses and the alley ways and the...

"Hey you two," said a Mexican gang from within an alley way, "Are you riding to lala land with your prissy black ponies?"

"Hahahahahaha," his lackeys laughed stupidly.

"You know what," Chuck the leader said (8 and 9 knew his name was Chuck because he had a green sweater with the word Chuckon it), "I think we will beet you up just because your different." (Individualism will kill you in Mexico)

Of course 8 was whimpering but 9 stood tall. He got of his horse and pulled his cursed Morgal blade from the sheeth and-

_BANG, BANG!_

8 watched as 9 fell lifelessly to the cold, hard, muddy, slimy, icky, concrete sidewalk. 8 looked up to see Chuck hold a weird object. It looked like a bent piece of alluminum and was made to be hold so that one could pull the small black trigger on the middle. Smoke rose from the boom stick and 8 started to whimper again as one of the lackeys pulled out something else.

"I like to call this one an AK47," the lackey laughed.

_BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG..._

A/N: so how do u like it? Just to tell you now the first line "death floated in on black wings on a river of sorrow" originated from a friend of mine whose name will remain anonymous. Don't worry now, the later chapters will have nothing to do with the present day world. But i think at least 2 of the wraiths need to die. I mean give Frodo a chance. Remember reviews are always encouraged.


	2. Frodo and Sam and Merry and Bippen's sto...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Lord of the Rings. I don't own Sam or Frodo or Merry or Pippin or Aragorn or Elrond or Treebeard or Gimili or Legolas or Borimir or Farimir or Smeagol or Sarumon or Sauron or Deagol or the 9 ring wraiths or the Shire or Hobbiton or Rivendell or Moria or Mordor or Isengard or Gondor or....blah blah blah! Yes butI do own Bippin. Also when I use the specific time 13.4 seconds that is from Monty Python and I do no own Monty Python (damnit!)

A/N: Thanx for the _one_ review I got on the very first day. From now on I will update as fast as possible but it is just easier to read comedy than write it. (muahahaha, no school for still another 3 days.)

Chapter Two: Frodo and Sam and Merry and Bippin's story

Frodo was working diligently at making a voodoo doll of Bilbo when he heard a knock at the door. He rose onto his hairy feet and opened the circular door.

"Ah, hello," Frodo said, "You must be one of the many Proudfoots."

"Proudfeet, stupid hobbit," the dirty man mumbled, "It is said that black cloaked riders seek you for a something you have. I do not want you living anywhere near me if you are going to attract attention. Going off on a silly little adventure. So either meet these evil riders or move."

Frodo had never heard of a black rider but it sounded terrible so he decided he best move away secretly. So itwas decided that Frodo moveinto the grimy town where Merry and Bippin lived. The only things Frodo took with him were his slave Sam, mounds of money he scored from killing a leprechaun, and of course thy Sting in all its holy nature.

Frodo disliked long walks so he decided to torture Sam to his own pleasure. Heheheh...

"Frodo my lord, my master of all that is holy, my idol, my god in which I pray to very often, my-"

"Get on with it, whelp," Frodo said trying to keep his cool.

"Yes my holiness," Sam said, "I am kinda hungry and I was wondering if you could out of the bottom of your heart, you spare me some food?"

Frodo pulledout some hard bread from his pack-pack and crumbled into little pieces and scattered it in front of Sam.

"Hahaha," Frodo said, "Peck like the chicken you are!"

"Oh thank you so much master," Sam said pecking like a chicken at the bread

Suddenly from ahead, a horse could be heard galluping towards the two.

"Get down!" said Frodo who was really only reminding himself for he did not care if Sam was slaughtered mercilessly with lots of blood and gore and guts and-

The cloaked, black figure got off of not a horse but a donkey. Yes it looked to be one of the wild donkeys of the north. The figure started sniffing around.

"Sniff, Sniff, SNORT!"

We leave now for an intermission because of minor technical difficulties. (Apparently the ring wraith sniffed a fly up his nose and is quickly being taken to a doctor.)

(13.4 seconds later)

"Sniff, Sniff, Sniff," the ring wraith did. Frodo and Sam lay silently next to the rode. The ring wraith came very close. "Sniff, Sniff, Sniff."

"I need a distraction," Frodo thought.

_Blink _(a light bulb flashes on)

Frodo quickly thows Sam toward the wraith and go hides somewhere else.

The ring wraith pins Sam to the ground andpulls one of his legs back.

"Tell me where the ring is," the ring wraith hisses.

"Why would I know, I am but the toady slave?"

"I guess you are right," the wraith says, "Oh I was _so_ close! I thought I had the right hobbit but _no_! Oh I am so angry!"

Suddenly without warning, the ring wraith spit a giant, huge, discusting, slimy, grimy, icky poopy, enormous, lump of spit on Sam and was off.

Frodo watched from the bushes as the wraith with the number 3 painted on its back slowly faded into the distance.

Finally after a very long time of pecking, (hehehehe) the two managed to make it to the little old piece of shit Merry and Bippin called a home.

Frodo walked inside.

"You faggots call _this _a home. Looks more like you found it in a cereal box."

Bippen and his slave Merry sighed for they knew that as long as Frodo was here, there would be no end to the insults.

A/N: Srry for writing such a short chappy. Oh if you don't understand cereal box joke i'm Frodo is trying to explain that their house looks so cheap it looks like you could get one for a prize in a cereal box. Another thing for further clarification, yes is it Bippen, no Pippen. reviews are encourage.


	3. Strider

Disclaimer: I DO NO OWN LORD OF THE RINGS!! (I begin twitching and fall on the floor) Yes but once again I do own Bippen and Mt. Cloom. Lastly I do not own Shrek or Shrek 2.

Chapter Three: Strider

After a few weeks of hiding in Merry and Bippen's basement even torturing Sam got boring. To say the least Frodo was very bored.

"I'm bored."

So he decided that he would go out and do something fun.

"Frodo, where do you think your going," said Merry as Frodo opened the front door.

"I'm going to a bar just because I'm bored," Frodo replied.

"Well that sounds kinda fun so me and Bippen will come along!"

"Bad Merry," Bippen said slapping Merry, "What have you been deciding with Frodo that you have not told me about?"

"We are going to a bar!" Merry replied.

"A...A bar?" Merry said. Suddenly Merry started twitching, "BEER! BEER! MY PRECIOUS BEER, MY PRECIOUS. BEEEERR! BEE-"

_WHACK_

"I needed that," Bippen said as Merry set down a frying pan.

So it was decided. The four set out towards the bar. When they got in, they seated themselves and looked around.

"Aye," said a fat waitress...er...waitor, "What are hobbits doing at a time like this?"

"Give us the beer you fat ass," Bippen said a small twitch coming back to his left eye.

"Oh Merry and Bippen," the waitress...waitor said, "I didn't see you there. I guess I was just attracted to this handsome hobbit right here...

"The beer," Bippen once again reminded.

"Oh yes," the fat waitor (hahaha i got it right) replied.

"Waitor," Frodo said to a passing, somewhat skinny, waitress. Yes a waitress. "Could you tell me who that man is in the corner?"

Frodo was talking about a man in the very very very corner who had a black cloak on.

"Yes," the waitress said, "His name is Fred. He's a normal everyday person execpt he insists he's evil. But him over there," she said pointing to another corner, "He is a Ranger. You might want to keep away from him."

Frodo studied the man in the corner. He was only wearing black and had a ski mask on so you could only see his eyes and his mouth.

Finally after Bippen had downed 47 beers and was too drunk to walk home they decided to stay the night in one of the rooms at the bar.

Frodo was the first to get in the room. After taking off his shirt the dude with the ski mask walked in.

"Tell me of you mission," he said, "It is said that you have the ring and are taking it to destroy in the fires of Mount Cloom."

"Are you saying you want my ring?" Frodo asked, "Its mine, get your own, I got this baby at a flea market."

"I know I was there," the man slightly resembling a terrorist said.

The ski mask person grabbed Frodo's shoulder and started shaking him.

"Where is the ring?"

"RAPE!" Frodo yelled, "HELP ME, HE'S RAPING ME. RAPE!!!!"

"What are you doing to him," Sam shouted as he entered the room.

"Well I see this will take a long time so I will explain," the terrorist man said.

After 4 hours of explaining to Merry, Frodo, and Sam (Bippen was not conscious to say the least.) they finally understood that he was really Aragorn and had a special mission from Gandalf the Gay, ahem, Grey.

"We must make it to Rivendell so that the fate of the ring can be decided," Aragorn said.

"But won't it be a perilous journey there?" Merry asked.

"Yeah.....so?" Aragorn replied.

"Just wondering."

"First we will go to Weather Top for the night," Aragorn said, "And then Frodo will be stabbed by a long lost friend-"

"How do you know," Frodo asked.

"I'm psychic," Aragorn replied crossing his eyes and makingmany little circles with his fingers.

"I got a question for you," Sam said justto be whacked by Frodo for speaking out of turn but wasstill allowed to go on. "Why are you wearing that ski mask?"

"Well whenI young a witch casped a horrible spell on methat made meprincess by day, Ogre by night. Then she locked me inthe tallest tower-"

"Wrong story you bastard!"

"Oh. Oh yes. Ok. I got it now. Yup. Sure do."

"Get on with it!" the three said in unison.

"WhenI was little a _wizard_ casped a spell on me soit made me _prince_ be day and Shrek bye night. Then-"

"Still the wrong story."

"Oh.I was young and a witch casped a spell on me and made my face so ugly that it can repel evil from miles away.But it is also lethal towards the good. Anything that sees it will die if they are close and go blind if they are far away."

"Yuck," was allFrodo managed to say.

A/N: Hoped you likeit. I think Strider needs some sort of super power so I gave him the curse of ugliness. hehehehe. Please review.


	4. Weathertop

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or scenes from Dragonlance....wait, wrong story. I do not own any of the characters or scenes or places from Lord of the Rings. But i do own the following. Bippen, Mt. Cloom, and the wild donkeys of the north.

A/N: How is this for updating fast, i've written 3 chappies in one day. Yes i know i don't have anything else to do. Yes i know i need a life but oh well.

Chapter Four: Weathertop

So the five adventurers began their perilous, horrible, terrible, icky, journey towards Rivendell. It was decided by Strider (Aragorn for pple who don't know) that they stop for a night's rest at Weathertop. Weathertop is a very tall plateau where ruins of a civilization of ancient men lay. It was named for the fantastic weather viewing being that it was so tall. After 2 days of climbing (Yes 2 days, sadly Merry is bad at climbing and everytime he got to the middle hefell off and the others had to go down and get him to make sure he was not hurt.) they finally made it to the top of Weathertop.

"I'm tired and sore and cold and hungry and irritated at Merry and bruised and-"

"Shut up Sam," Frodo said.

"Ok, you hobbits stay here while I go bathe naked in that spring over that way," Aragorn said.

All four of the hobbits shivered at what a horrible sight that must be.

"Now remember," Merry said avoiding a slap from Bippen for speaking out of turn, "Do not light a fire or those ring wraiths will come."

Being that Merry was really the only smart one of the four they agreed. But soon Merry went to sleep whilst the other hobbits were wide awake.

"I'm so angry at Merry that I think I will light a fire," Frodo said. Sadly in Frodo's pathetic, puny, small, peanut-sized brain revenge came befor logic.

"Yeah," the other two agreed their minds worked about the same as Frodo's.

They started rubing sticks together but to no avail. Finally, Bippen did what he had to do.

"Here, this will make it easy,"Bippen said arranging the sticks in a pile. He then pulled out a plastic container from his pack-packwith the words "Light Fluid" and poured it all over the wood. He then took out a lighter and lit the wood. Immediately the wood burst into flame and the hobbits were happy.

_SCREECH, SQUEAK, SCREECH, HISS_

"Oh no," Merry said waking up, "Great you guys have attracted the wraiths."

"Shit."

The from the shadows, 7 ring wraiths appeared (8 and 9 were kill by Chuck and his lackeys).

"Okay you stupid hobbits," One of them hissed, "Give us the ring!"

Merry, Bippen, and Sam all stayed quiet because if they didn't say anything the wraiths would not know who had the ring. Sadly Frodo was not blessed with the gift of smartness.

"I'll never give it to you!" Frodo yelled.

"Ha," it screeched, "Then I will impale you with a cursed blade!"

The ring wraith walked up towards the defenseless hobbit.

"I am the leader of the wraiths," it hissed, "My name is the Witch King!"

"Wait," Frodo said pondering this name, "Are you a woman or a man. Because witches are women and kings are men. Hmm....

But suddenly the Witch King plunged his blade towards Frodo.

"Hahaha, sucker!" Frodo said, "You missed- OUCH. DAMNIT THAT HURT!"

The wraith had impaled Frodo in the shoulder.

"No!" Frodo yelled, "I would file a lawsuit against you but you killed my laywer!"

"Mwuahahaha," the wraith replied, "I AM YOU LAYWER!"

"Noooooooooooooooo!"

_WHACK_

Aragorn hit the wraith causing it to fall back towards the others.

"Get behind me hobbits," Aragorn yelled.

And so they did. Then Aragorn lifted his ski mask towards the wraiths. Suddenly the area was blinded bya bright light that was emitting from Aragorn's head.

"NO!" the wraiths hissed, "ITS SO UGLY, AAAHHH!"

Then the wraiths got onto their donkeys and fled the area and Aragorn put his mask back on and came towards Frodo.

"Is he ok?"Sam asked Strider.

"Only Elrond can heal such a wound," Aragon stated, "I will take Frodo to Elrond!"

Then Aragorn picked up Frodo and put him on the wild donkey of the north he just happened to find whilst bathing in the nude.

Then he himself got on the donkey and they were off!

"What about us?" Bippen said.

"Well I guess we should start running or will never make it to Rivendell, and those hot elves-"

"Sam!" Merry said.

"Sorry," Sam said blushing a little.

Aragorn was riding as fast as possible on the donkey. He needed to get Frodo's wound healed or Frodo would turn into a wraith. Still the donkey was not capable of going any faster than it was so Aragorn waited.

Finally, Aragorn got to the river. On the other side was Arwen, his true love. His donkey galloped across the river as fast as possible. Unfortunately the ring wraiths were right behind him. Then Aragorn stopped in the middleof the river and reached for his ski cap.

"You can't take that off or you'll kill everyone in Rivendell," the wraiths laughed.

"Come Aragorn!" Arwen said to her love.

Even though Aragorn was still in the river, Arwen used a spell on the river that would release the dam. But also the spell would cause the water to gallop like wild donkeys of the north.

"Insert magic spell here," Arwen cried.

Suddenly a rumbling was heard and giant donkeys of the north made out of water galloped down the river. Luckily Aragorn was already across with Frodo. But the ring wraiths were washed away. After some time the waters calmed and all that was left were a few donkey corpses.

Frodo looked up at Arwen and then all went black.

A/N: wow, a pretty long chapter. If i must tell you now, i am obsessed with wild donkeys of the north. hehehe remember reviews are encouraged.


	5. The Fate of the Ring

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN LORD, OF, THE, OR RINGS! (I don't own happy bunny either)

A/N: Now this might not seem like it but this is a much awaited chapter and I have been driven to the point of carrying around a bat to defend myself from my friends (you know who u r) , heheheh jk. And Christine, I know mallory persuaded u into writing that horrible review and so I already got bak at her so u need not feel guilt.

Chapter Five: The Fate of the Ring.

Frodo woke up in a small room with white walls. The last thing he remembered was crossing the river to Rivendell and then...well he didn't know. Strangely he felt he was not alone in the bright, white, sparkling, glossy, happy room.

"Gandalf," Frodo asked, "Is this a mental home because I like it here."

"How did you know I was here?" the old man asked.

"I'm psychic," Frodo replied with just a tiny itsy-bitsy hint of sarcasm in his voice, but don't get me wrong, it was there, "I turned my head and there you were."

"Oh, I guess Gandalf the Gay, ehem, Grey does not match with a white background," he replied, "But this is not a mental home. This is the House of Elrond."

As soon as Gandalf said Elrond's name, horns and trumpets sounded off in the background to emphasize his honor.

"No, I'm pretty sure this is a mental home," he said as he watched elves dance gaily in front of the door with big grins on their faces.

"Oh," Gandalf said grimly, "Actually all elves are like that."

"Well, I'm out of here," Frodo said getting up.

Frodo left the room. But before he performed such an action he picked up a random stick like club thing from the shiny, glossy, white, speckly, tile floor and beat the elves. He hit them with lots of force causing them to topple to the ground still with large grins on their smug little faces.

Frodo advanced to a room with a circle of chairs. Bilbo, Gandalf, Elrond and some other non-important elves and dwarves who were there only to fill seats, were seen by Frodo's greedy, beady little eyes. He sat himself in a chair next to no one (which is quite strange considering the chairs formed a circle…).

"It is I Elrond (trumpets sound) that called this counsel. I am deeply, deeply, deeply concerned for the fate of this little gold band of doom, destruction, evil, no-good deeds, devilish-"

"So why don't we just destroy it right here so we can get on with our small pathetic insignificant lives?" said anonymous dwarf number 4.

The dwarf picked up a pointy ax, and when I say pointy, I _mean_ pointy, and thrust it at the little ring. But he was thrown back by the power of the ring and was thrown straight into a brick wall. Then suddenly the brick wall fell on top of him creating a lot of dust. And right when everyone was going to ask if he was still alive, a giant boulder fell out of the sky on top of the dwarf followed by an airline carrier and then an expensive jet which followed the arrival of a small mountain.

"Anyway," Elrond said paying no attention to the ordeal behind him. Of course no one else did either. "We must destroy the ring in the fires of Mount Cloom. Does anyone want to take it there?"

"Well," said Frodo, "I already know that no one is going to volunteer so I will take it and hopefully will not die doing so."

"Then its decided, anyone wanna go with him?" asked Elrond (trumpets)

"FUCKING TRUMPETS!" Frodo said as he beat the trumpet-bearing elves. Blood covered the floor yet, still, no one paid attention to the small onslaught.

Then stepped up a certainly _unique_ character. He looked to be a bold, valiant, brave, steadfast hero except for his only flaw. A large rusty nail was protruding from his chest. It seemed as though, for torture, someone had nailed his right hand to his chest. Even worse, he had (I know this from a first-hand account) a horrible itch on his right ear. And because everyone knows that a man of stature cannot simply itch that itch with his free hand, he instead tried to scratch the itch with his teeth, consequently, this made him look like a mad man, for one hand carried a sword, one hand was nailed to his chest, and he was constantly trying to bite his ear. (Just imagine this and you can probably understand why this looked weird).

"I, am Borimir!" he said proudly, pausing a moment to bite at his ear but to no avail considering that it is not _physically _(technically it is… somehow) possible to bite one's ear. "And I will aid you on your quest to destroy the shiny!"

Next walked up a man (at least I think it was a man…) with long wavy blonde hair. He wore a pink shirt with a happy bunny on it that said "let's focus on me." He also had a pink bow and arrow. The wooden bow had many happy bunny phrases carved into it such as, "cruel but cute so I'm worth it", "not listening", and " I hear the other ucky people calling you."

"I'm like Legolas," said the thing (man or woman? hmm), "and I will like help you any way possible."

"Is that a man?" Frodo whispered to Sam who was right beside him.

"I don't know but its hot all the same, lets keep it!" Sam whispered back.

"Sam!" he whispered/ yelled, "Don't say such naughty things!"

Frodo whacked Sam with the trumpet of one of those dead elves.

Gandalf stood up, "And Gimli you will help too and so will you ugly- I mean Aragon. And you too Merry, Bippen, Sam, and of course me. Well that makes nine, lets leave!"

"Good idea, I Elrond says!" says, obviously, Elrond. No trumpets. "Says Elrond!" No trumpets. "Elrond?" Elrond awaited for his trumpets 'o importance. "Damn," he muttered.

So it was decided, the gay, the wizard, the four hobbits, the ugly ski-mask dude, the psycho w/ ear problem, and the pint size (Gimli) would go on their journey to the desolate mountains of Mnt. Cloom!

Later on Frodo did not sleep well. He tossed and turned… and tossed and turned……. and well heck, tossed and turned some more. Here is what he dreamed:

It was a cold morning. Frodo could see a large classroom, maybe second period, yet few children. They were all chatting away when something horrible came in the room. It was a she. She had a dress that made her look fat and looked ugly. But worst of all, she had large bulbous glasses that covered half her face. She was Mrs. Krager. She was absolutely horrible. She asked the children to stop talking but they **DIDN'T!** She was not a person who yelled and was shy to get kids in trouble. But this time, she couldn't control the fiery resolve that burned in her deepest organs. She pulled out her clipboard of **DEATH, DOOM AND DESTRUCTION** (DDD) and swung it powerfully at a young, aspiring student (YSA). The child called out but could really do nothing. The other kids went quiet…

Frodo realized what he had just saw. He just witnessed what the world like with the ring in Sauron's...eye? Yes. In his horrible grasping glare. He just witnessed the abyssal hell known as **SOCIAL STUDIES**, one of the horrible deeds that Sauron would bring upon the world. He had seen Sauron's plans.

A/N: if you wondered, ms. Kreger (krager is her code name) actually hit someone in my second period class and let me tell you it was creepy. yeah I know a short chapter and even worse, the wild donkeys of the north were not named once in this chapter! Oh well. I guess this chapter is short because I'm tired of writing it. Yeah that's it he says assuredly and slowly, but moving at all, leaves the room


	6. Moria

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings and if I did i would be attacked by erin in her great attempt to mug the middle of earth of all its shinies... so HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you can't sue me cuz i admited it HAHAHAHAHA! and i don't own jaws.

A/N: This will probably my best chapter and i owe a lot (okay maybe just a shiny nickel...) to Redda for helping with this chapter.

Chapter Six: Moria

And there the company stood, outside the front door to Moria. (Yes they decided that they not even climb that screwed up mountain and went straight to Moria.) Gandalf was standing impatiently in front of the door trying to figure out the friggen password.

"Lemon, melon, pineapple, spleen..." muttered Gandalf to the door, yet it stood there, not a care it the world.

"Gandalf this is boring would you just figure out the password so we can go in?" Merry complained but only to be bitch slapped by Bippen for speaking out of turn.

"Shut up!" Gandalf replied in his normal rasping voice.

"Come on!" Borimir said.

_Bite, Bite, Snap_

Borimir stopped his obsesive biting and went back to talking, "We've got nothing to do you old senile fool!"

"Then amuse youself by throwing Bippen into the lake."

Bippen looked horrified at the company as the slowly circled around him, a glint of madness in each man's eye.

"Just so his fright lasts," said Frodo, "We don't throw him in until we can see the white of his eye!"

Bippen quickly got some black paint and painted his eyes, strangely enought, black.

"Damnit," Aragorn muttered, "Hell, lets throw him in anyway."

And before you could say, "That should be shot", Bippen was in the lake, tiny fishies feeding greedily on his toes.

So knowing that if he tried to get out that he would be pushed back in by the company, he resumed swimming/half drowning.

(Now would be a good time to get the Jaws theme song and play in the background...)

Suddenly the Jaws theme song could be heard, yet no one knew from who. Finally, the song got to the climax and seemed as though something should pop out...

"That's your cue." said an almost imaginary voice.

"Oh sorry."

Suddenly a giant octopus/angry hissing cat popped out of the water. It flailed its tentacles everywhere. No on knew what to do so by instinct they threw Bippen at the monster. The octopus/angry hissing cat ate him in one bite but seemed still hungry...

"Hurry we have to get inside!" said Sam pushing open the doors to Moria.

"I thought these damn doors were locked!" said Gandalf looking _very_ frustrated.

"No!" Frodo said as if it were obvious.

With the giant tentactles flailing behind them, theyquickly ran into Moria.But before they could close the giant stone doors, the octopus/angry hissing cat spat Bippen out and through the door.

"Damnit!" Aragorn said, "I thought you were friggin dead!"

"Nope," Bippen said happily not really realizing he was not wanted.

"Man," saidLegolas, "Turned down by an octopus/angry hissing cat. If you can't do better than the we like gag me with a spoon!"

"ELFUASCK YELDASU!" Gandalf said and the spell caused his staff to light up in flames (good flames though).

The company of nine slowly moved through the dank caves. Legolas, of course, the slowest condsidering he was simultaneously trying to braid his hair and walk through the treacherous caves.

Borirmir quietly hummed astanza of "Happy Trails" (which proved rather difficult considering he was biting for his ear at every break).

"Don't make me use this!" Aragorn said, gesturing towards his ski mask.

But Bippen was in high spirits and was also in the mood for some singing...

"WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE," Bippen yelled, "A YELLOW SUBMARINE, A YELLOW SUBMARINE, WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW-" Gandalf wacked Bippen squarely between the eyes.

"OW!" he screeched, "THAT HUR-" Whack.

Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack.Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack.Whack.Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack.

Gandalf stopped. His once white staff was stained with red, Bippen's blood.

_Thump. Thump._

The all heard the sound of the goblin drums. Quickly they all (Even Bippen who was somehow not dead...) ran through the caves into a large open hall. And before you could say, "YOUR HEAD LOOKS LIKE A YELLOW SUBMARINE!" the company was encompassed by trillions of goblins. Not even Aragorn's face could save the now. Strangely enough, they were all looking at Legolas.

"Your highness," said a goblin walking up to Legolas and trying to be as sexy as possible, but wasn't doing a very good job, "We are at your service."

"Like OMG!" said Legolas, slowly pulling his skirt up his leg, "I have more attention then I like know what to do with!" The orcs drooled icky green drool. Aragorn rolled his eyes.

"Can we get on with this battle thing already." he asked, securing his ski mask, "I'm getting sick of having to wait for everything!"

Meanwhile Legolas was modeling for the orcs, giving the company time to escape to the bridge next to the exit.

"Hurry! Before it collapses!" shouted Gandalf

"It's not gonna collapse you stupid pessimistic bastard!" said Borimir (do i need to even put that he was biting for his ear?)

Suddenly a deep rumbling came from within the cave. Everyone looked around in horror. And before you could say, "Like gag me with a spoon!" the Barlog came from deep within the caves rumbling.

"I'll save everyone from this fiery hell!" screeched Gandalf.

"Stupid, son of a bitch," Bippen mumbled still remembering his beating from the old fart and his stick. And suddenly without warning, the little angry bobbit pushed Gandalf off the bridge and into the dark abyss below.

"Dumbass Bippen!" Frodo said, "Why did you do that!" Frodo pushed Bippen off the bridge. But Bippen landed with a thud on a small ledge. Frodo whispered something in Sam's ear.

Sam headed for the beginning of the bridge. "Excuse me Barlog," he said politely. The Barlog moved and then Sam made his way to the ledge and kicked Bippen the rest of the way into the abyss. He then politely got back in his place and the Barlog terrorized them once a gain.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I've got you this time you ugly son of abitch!"said Aragorn removing his mask.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," the Barlog replied, screamingin terror at the horrible site in front of him and he felloff the bridge and into the abyss.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas replied yelling after the Barlog, "I love u! I'll be back my sexy little flame of death, doom and destruction (DDD).

The company watched in aweas three of their companions were swallowed up andfrom there the company moved out of Moria. But something behind them followed. It was poor mottled Bippen. He got to the bridge and coughed, "_Gollum, Gollum"_...

Fin

A/N: yes its supposed to be Barlog. Isn't it funny that Bippen is Gollum. And also i know that was a pretty said battle scene with the barlog. oh well...


End file.
